You know when you start to think your life is becoming completely ludicrous, and you begin to piece parts of your life together and slowly understand why the people around you find you and your life humorous?
When you think, finally things are starting to look up for you. Then something happens, then before you can blink, it's gone?
When you begin to question others around you, their behaviour, their words, them as humans.. then begin to question yourself, your surroundings, your words, your behaviour..?
When you finally have a clear vision in life, and are certain about everything; then one day you wake up so confused, so uninspired you throw that all away then back to square one?
When you thought you made the right decisions about people, then slowly come to realise they were the biggest mistake you've ever made?
When your so intimidated by other people, and you don't know why, because your a confident person?
When you have stupid fears that get in the way of you living a life, and experiencing everything that is on offer?
and finally, you don't know why but, when you no longer feel like you..?
Friday, December 25, 2009
First off, Merry Christmas.. I hope your day was far more exciting then my own.
I spent all day at my grandmothers house, which is never really fun.
Loren, your hair is horrible.
Loren, why are you wearing so much black?
Loren, don't make smart ass comments.
Loren, why don't you have a full-time job?
Loren, blah blah blah fucking blah.....
Whatever, doesn't really bother me anymore you learn to immune yourself from insults.
On a lighter note, new years eve... Thursday. How fast did 2009 go, my gosh.
It's a very good thing but, didn't really enjoy '09. I say BRING ON THE NEW DECADE!
New decade, new opportunites, new experiences, new art projects...
All sounds very very exciting. Speaking of new art projects, i need models who are willing to pose for me, partial or full nudity may be apart of the shoot, so be open minded.
My wife, Roxanne and I are producing a coffee table like book.
My photography, her writing.. there will be a blog about it shortly as well.
I shall keep you updated.
I'm off now, may watch Wayne's World or something...
Have a good christmas. :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
I want your body to fuck. You’re not going to get laid ever. Her boobs are perfection, yours not so much. His wang freaks me out. My hands are my only company. Is lack of company really the issue anyway? You have too many posters on your wall. I own too much art. Wait, too much art? I think he’s cute. His kid is pretty adorable too. I can’t believe they’re moving in together. He’s annoying. I wonder what you’d look like blonde. Did you actually want to fuck me that night? I miss your body. Not for anything really. Just miss it being there. I found love. Rubie, she has nice boobs too. I don’t love her cause of that. You’re not that shallow. Fuck! You’re pretty pathetic if that’s the soundtrack to your life. Spose that makes me kinda cool but. I don’t think she really liked you anyway; just wanted your body. Lacking experience, lacking excitement. Hey! Let’s all get naked. These earrings don’t go with this outfit. New Year has almost arrived. I wonder what it will bring her. She shouldn’t scratch her eyes out. It’s not that bad, gosh. I need new toothpaste. I like her new hair, makes you more confident, yes? I’d love to pose for you. I don’t think she’s worthy enough but. Stars aren’t glowing tonight. Dumb clouds. I don’t think she ever makes sense, doesn’t matter but, I don’t care, because they don’t care. Does she care? What? Stop tormenting me. I’ll throw my phone away soon. Thinking about it now, she wants my body to fuck, I know it...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
49 isn't that old is it? So it isn't wrong that i've developed a crush. He listens to metal, he likes to drink, and makes dirty jokes. he can talk your ear off and wears funky shoes. I like his pink floyd shirt and his skinny jeans. I don't mind his grey hair, and semi-coke bottle glasses. There is something different about him, i can see why his wife likes him. He isn't the most attractive man, but not everyone can be a Johnny Depp. Just realised, this isn't a real crush. It's just me finally meeting a man. A man worthwhile talking to. I can never have him, nor do i want him. I think thats why this works. His the man in red, and i'm just his little helper.
Friday, December 11, 2009
I would say that ninety percent on my days were not on this planet, not physically of course, even though that would be nice. I never seem to like reality, whatever that is. I would prefer to day dream on things that I don’t have, or the way I wish things were. I don’t know why, I’m sure that would lead to depression or something normally but for me I think it keeps me sane. Or closer to sane anyway. I always like to imagine that I am important, and really wanted, and without me people around me wouldn’t be able to go on. I don’t think that’s horrible, I just think I have some stupid desire to always feel needed and wanted. I think I had always perceived my-self as someone else, something better, which is why I day dream to make my ‘reality’ more tolerable. Something like that anyway.
You were perfect in every sense. You made me smile, laugh and even have butterflies. Remember when we sat on that park bench staring at the water, it was silent; all you could hear was the birds and the wind through the trees. You moved your hand up my thigh, past my crotch, onto my stomach and held me really close to you, I didn’t tell you this but you made me so nervous. I always felt you staring at me, smiling; then when I looked at you you’d kiss me and look down in embarrassment. I liked the way you held my hand, tightly. I liked the way you would stare at me as if you were suddenly in love. I liked the way you made me quiver every time you touched me. Now that you don’t speak to me anymore, and I don’t even know why I’ve had time to ponder. I feel empty inside now, all the time. You should have stayed; I think I was falling in love with you, a beautiful stranger.
Tonight I cried. I sat alone on my front driveway watching the fireworks. I don’t know why I felt so down, they were beautiful. I felt over whelmed; I was sitting alone, in the dark no-one special to enjoy the moment with. I looked back at the stars, not many out there tonight; spose there was too much light. They all looked so lonely. I think they were sympathising with me they saw me from above, staring into the distance. By this time I wasn’t even watching the fireworks anymore, just looking at the colourful sky. I want to be with the stars, peaceful. All I hear now is sirens, and kids carrying on. I don’t like this; I’m sure where the stars are its calmer, more beautiful... feels like I have to wait forever to get there.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Love is nothing, it is just a word that we as humans put meaning to. I’ve never experienced this word; I don’t think I have anyway. Everyone that surrounds me has, I’m sure of it. I don’t care if they say they haven’t they are lying. I don’t think I am actually capable of love, or being loved. Tried and failed way too many times. I think that’s why I have given up, I don’t give a shit that I’m “only 19” fuck you all. I know how I feel all the time, lonely and insecure. No-one can tell me otherwise, I’m going to die alone, substituting cats for kids. My friends were right. I’ll leave this place holding a photograph I had taken close to my heart of my eleven cats, not even a smile on my face just a blank expression, similar to the one I have right now writing this. That way people would know that no-one had ever loved me, I had come close to it at one point, but it had gone as quickly as it had come. I shouldn’t worry, love is nothing anyway, remember Lola... Nothing.